Skip to main content

TOEFL Writing: Academic Discussion: TOEFL Writing: Academic Discussion Essay: Low score due to incorrect use of the template




TOEFL Writing: Academic Discussion Essay: Low score due to incorrect use of the template

Hi everyone. Today we are focusing on TOEFL Writing, specifically the Academic Discussion essay. In this lesson, I am going to show you how a response with nearly perfect grammar can still receive a relatively low score, and more importantly, how to fix it.

We will do this by examining a student essay I found on Reddit. Despite its strong grammar, this response would likely score around 19–23, rather than a top score, because of serious problems with topic development and logical consistency. Let’s first look at the prompt. The professor asks whether people will work less in the future. Claire answers yes, while Paul argues no.

Here is the student’s response:


This is a challenging topic, and I firmly believe that in the future people will have more free time and a decreased amount of work. I completely agree with Claire's argument that people nowadays are becoming wealthier. 

Additionally, individuals can use AI tools to simplify their work. For example, ChatGPT is a great tool for doing repetitive tasks, therefore it can be used to make things faster and easier. 

Paul raised an important point that the current economic system is competitive and employees are being forced to work overtime. However, he does not acknowledge that people enjoy working hard, as they learn more and gain new experiences. Moreover, research analysts have proven that working long hours provides us with new market opportunities because we have a higher value.

2026 TOEFL Score Conversion



This essay would score between 4 and 4.5 on the 2026 TOEFL system. Okay, so essays at this level? They usually have issues in topic development or language use—like grammar or vocab problems. This one actually does pretty well on language, but it tanks on development because the reasons and examples just aren't strong enough to really convince anyone. And yeah, it's even weaker than average thanks to that inconsistent conclusion—I'll break it down step by step as we go.​

2026 TOEFL Writing 

Hitting Score 5 (Like 25+ Old Scale)

To push past average and grab a band 5, you gotta qualify your opinions based on how certain you are—like using "probably" or "likely" instead of slamming down "certainly" or "firmly" when you're not 100% sure. That shows real sophistication, right? It keeps things coherent and precise, just like ETS wants.​

Going for Band 6

Now, for that top band 6? Put the big ideas front and center in main clauses, and tuck the smaller details into subordinate clauses or prepositional phrases—it gives your response that natural rhythm and punch. No room for ambiguity either; layer in qualifiers, idioms like "falls short," and spot-on connotations to nail those subtle shades of meaning.​

Now that we're clear on the scoring system, let's analyze this student essay. Based on idea grouping, we can divide it into three parts. 

  • Introduction (thesis)

  • Body (support)

  • Conclusion (moral of the story)

Introduction

This introduction does not make logical sense. If a topic is described as challenging, it is inconsistent to say that you firmly believe or completely agree, because those expressions suggest confidence in a clear and definitive answer. Using words such as challenging, firmly, and absolutely together creates a contradiction in both tone and logic. It also signals to the reader that the student is relying on a memorized template that does not fit the task. This is exactly why I emphasize using minimal template language if you are aiming for 26+ (or Band 5+ in the 2026 scoring system). Templates that do not align with your actual reasoning will typically keep a score around 23.

Another issue is the overuse of the conjunction “and.” In TOEFL writing, and is one of the weakest connectors because it simply lists ideas rather than showing meaningful relationships between them. Strong academic writing relies on causal, contrastive, or logical connections, not simple addition.

A more appropriate introduction would be something like:

This is a challenging topic, so a definitive conclusion may not be possible. However, based on my current understanding, I tend to believe that people will work fewer hours in the future.

This wording acknowledges uncertainty while still taking a clear position. Below are a few additional ways to begin an essay using concession and refutation, which are especially effective for high-scoring TOEFL responses:

  • Although it is difficult to predict future work patterns, there is strong evidence that people will work fewer hours.

  • While some argue that work hours may increase, I personally believe the opposite—that people will work less.

These openings clearly answer the professor’s question while maintaining logical consistency and academic tone.

There is also a style problem in this essay related to incorrect subordination. In strong academic writing, the main idea must appear in the main clause, while supporting ideas should be placed in subordinate clauses or phrases. In other words, you must decide who is in charge: your idea or Claire’s idea.

When a student writes, “I completely agree with Claire’s argument that people nowadays are becoming wealthier,” the message to the reader is that Claire’s idea is more important than the student’s own position. This weakens the response. In your essay, you are the boss. Your idea goes in the main clause, and everything else works for it. Your reasoning and contribution must drive the discussion. Never position yourself as secondary or simply ride on someone else’s argument.

There are two effective ways to handle this. The first is not to mention Claire at all and directly support your thesis with your own reasons. The second is to include Claire’s point only in a subordinate structure, such as a participial phrase, so that it supports—rather than replaces—your main claim.

For example:

Although it is challenging to predict whether people will work fewer hours in the future, there is strong evidence supporting this idea.

Or, if you want to reference Claire while keeping your idea dominant:

Although it is difficult to answer decisively whether people will work fewer hours in the future, I believe there is strong evidence to support this view, thus aligning with Claire’s position. In addition to her point that increased wealth allows for more leisure time, I believe that advancements in AI technology represent another key reason people will work fewer hours.

In this structure, your belief remains the main clause, and Claire’s idea is clearly subordinated. This kind of control over sentence hierarchy is essential for high-scoring TOEFL Academic Discussion responses.

Body 

Let’s move on to the body paragraph, which explains why the writer’s belief should be true. After the thesis statement, it is essential to support the position with clearly developed reasons. The student chooses artificial intelligence as supporting evidence, which is an excellent choice; however, the idea is not developed at all. To score 26+, you must present your reasons clearly and fully—this is what ETS refers to as topic development. Without strong development, it is very difficult to improve a score. In this response, the student introduces AI but then immediately shifts to refuting Paul’s argument, leaving the main idea underexplained.

The original supporting sentence is:

Individuals can use AI tools to simplify their work. For example, ChatGPT is a great tool for doing repetitive tasks.

This explanation is not accurate. Repetitive tasks are typically handled by automation or robotics. The primary strength of AI—especially modern AI—is its generative capability, not simple repetition. To use AI effectively as evidence, the writer must demonstrate at least a basic understanding of what AI is and how it functions.

This is how proper topic development should work. First, define the concept in your own words. Then explain what we can do with AI, and predict the future outcome using AI. This is strong topic development for the body paragraph. 

Artificial intelligence can refer to many technologies, but it currently focuses on large language models trained on massive amounts of data. These systems can generate text, write legal drafts, prepare financial reports, solve mathematical problems, and even write computer code. As a result, tasks that once required hours of human labor can now be completed in minutes. With these capabilities, both employees and students can complete their work more efficiently, leading to fewer required working hours. This reduction in workload applies not only to white-collar professions but also to blue-collar jobs, as AI-enhanced robotics increasingly perform physical and repetitive tasks.

This is clear topic development, and it directly supports the thesis.

Conclusion 

With this level of development, the essay can conclude clearly and logically, for example:

From the perspective of modern AI technology and its real-world applications, it is reasonable to predict that people will work fewer hours in the future across most job types.

Now, let’s examine how the student concludes the essay. By way of conclusion the student attempts to respond to Paul’s position. Using a counterargument as a conclusion is an excellent strategy if it is done correctly. If it is done incorrectly, however, it can be disastrous, because it may introduce logical contradiction. Unfortunately, that is exactly what happens in this response.

The student writes:

Paul raised an important point that the current economic system is competitive and employees are being forced to work overtime. However, he does not acknowledge that people enjoy working hard, as they learn more and gain new experiences. Moreover, research analysts have proven that working long hours provides us with new market opportunities because we have a higher value.

Here, the student makes an illogical turn. First, the essay acknowledges that competitiveness forces people to work more hours. Then, instead of challenging this claim, the student argues that working longer hours is actually beneficial because it leads to experience and higher value. This directly contradicts the essay’s main thesis that people will work fewer hours in the future. Ending an essay by praising longer working hours completely undermines the central claim. Inconsistency and contradiction are among the fastest ways to lower a TOEFL Writing score.

So how should this be fixed? The key is organization. You should not end an essay with “moreover” or by listing new advantages that oppose your position. Instead, you should respond to Paul in a way that preserves your main claim and offer a new insight about future work hours. This is a top scoring  conclusion.

Regarding Paul’s claim that competitiveness will require longer working hours, it is important to note that competitiveness and shorter work hours are not mutually exclusive. With AI, productivity increasingly depends on efficiency rather than time spent working. In the future, success is more likely to result from working smarter, not longer.

This conclusion acknowledges Paul’s concern, reframes it, and reinforces the original thesis—exactly what a high-scoring TOEFL response should do.

And that is precisely what Dr. Byrnes’ TOEFL courses teach you: how to prepare smarter, not longer. The courses fully cover both the 2025 and 2026 TOEFL versions and include all the lectures, explanations, and practice questions you need. Study the lectures carefully, complete all the practice questions, and you will have everything required to achieve your target score.